and a fiasco ensued...

so i first MUST tell about the most hilarious morning i have ever had in my life. if i do have any readers other than the b.princess and her husband who have already heard this story, i suggest you prepare yourselves.

i generally like to get up at an insanely early hour because i hate to be rushed while getting ready for work. i rarely am able to pull this off, but one tuesday morning last week, i was somehow able to do so. i had some new duds, which i ironed before i put them on (if you can imagine), did my hair (if you can imagine, it even involves a hair dryer, curling iron, mousse and hairspray), had my lunch ready, coffee in my thermos AND my travel mug... i was ready to roll. just so happens that my travel mug doesn't have a cover, that seems to have been lost somewhere between here and school... but anyway. that doesn't seem to make much sense right now, but you will soon learn why this is a very important part of my gut-busting story.

i live on a looong dirt road. i'm not quite sure if the snow has stopped here in downeast, but if it has, i've clearly missed it. now, this dirt road i was talking about... well it seems as though with the snow pack and freezing rain we have been receiving, it has turned into a sheet of ice. i don't want to you to think i am exaggerating, but... i am pretty sure if i got a running start at the head of the road and hurled myself on a flying saucer... i could easily make it down the two miles of frozen tundra known as camp road. now, i live at the end of this road and conveniently at the bottom of a slight hill. when i say "slight," i mean i can make it down in a pair of heels with my giant teacher bag on one shoulder and some random instrument in the other. VERY slight. well, the ice has made it seem like i live on the side of katadin. so i park my truck on top of the hill, in a neighbor's yard, because even the grand toyota can't make it up the "slight" ice-covered hill . and as a side note, it did take me an entire canister of sea salt and morton's iodized table salt, to find this out. thankfully the move didn't require the other canisters of quaker's oats, bread crumbs and panko that i also brought out. anyway, i am constantly getting off subject. my apologies.

back to the new duds, "hair-did" and coffee. i'm heading up the ice-covered mountain, previously known as a "slight hill." i've got my new duds on, a wicked cute black and white checked coat, my gi-normous teacher bag and coffee in hand. (in the lid-less travel mug... one might ask why i need a lid-less travel mug... but if i don't drink coffee on my way into school, sometimes i fall asleep and wake up only when i hit the dirt... kind of dangerous.) so i pretty much know i'm going to fall. i'm not very good on my feet as it is, so i tell myself, "self, if you make it to the truck with this coffee still in hand, you will be doing very well." huh. that simply was not meant to be. it was like a video from the classic bob saget's afhv. down i went in a sea of school papers, new duds, cute hair and... coffee. but, as i said previously, i was on an icey mountain side! as my lid-less coffee mug went down, the coffee flew out and began running down this mountain towards me! it was like i was in one of those dreams where you try to scream out but alas... nothing can be done! the coffee starts gushing down the mountain side towards me... in my new duds... with my professional-looking coat and cute hair! i tried to get up... but the ice wouldn't allow. it was like i was doing the running man! as the coffee came closer and closer, my totally sweet outfit flashed before my eyes... quickly and pulled off a "commando-crawl/roll" and dashed out of the path of a river of coffee. from a lid-less travel mug.

so. i gather my belongings and manage to right myself again. my coffee is gone, but it's okay because i have a thermos in my teacher bag. i am also laughing hysterically and feeling sorry that i live so far out in the woods, i was the only one to witness the utter hilarity that had just occurred. i'm chuckling as i attempt the rest of the venture to my truck, which in a grand total is probably about one hundred feet. i'm thinking to myself, "man, i can't wait to get to school and tell everyone about my wicked fall..." and BAM! down i go again! at least this time i didn't have to escape a river of coffee and i just had to go about 20 feet past my truck to retrieve my keys, which had managed to slide ahead of me as i tossed them in mid-air, and i landed in another heap of new duds, cute hair and teacher bag.

i got into my truck, still laughing. i realize that i have hurt my poor little music teaching finger, put a pretty good dent in the side of my lid-less, metal travel mug and what is that? hmm... that smells like last night's macaroni and tomato sauce... so thoughtfully made by the ogre that lives with me. hmm... i thought i had bagged that up... in a container... WITH A LID... hmm... why oh why self, why am i smelling my lunch? why? because one of my two falls that fateful morning, was hard enough to BREAK the plastic container which held my lunch inside my teacher bag. so i had to get out of the truck for one more visit with the ice and pick the macaroni out of my teacher bag... between my laptop case and my grade book. oh yes. just honky-f*#%&@$*-dory.

and. to finish this fiasco... i must tell you. it wasn't quite 6:30 yet. that is 6:30 in the am.

now, for anyone who knows me... knows that i find physical humor too much to handle. i can laugh at the same old budlight commercial where people walk into the window in attempt to get beer. skateboarders who fall on in mid-stunt on that same old rail, crushing their own nuts... GENIUS. so i was able to laugh and retell my story until the next morning, when i was unable to put on my own coat, much less laugh, without my entire upper body tensing up in indescribable muscle aches. not so hilarious.


on a totally different note. check out sara bareilles. totally talented. fairy tale. because, really, what would one do with seven itty-bitty men? dishes of course! love it! they really do say things you wanna hear. dammit. she is also right with that one.


ps. i'm sorry if there are any spelling or grammatical errors. it seems as though even spell check as something against me.